Frowny Faces, Sparkly Eyes and Grey Stuff

The first movie I remember watching in the cinema is The Fisher King. It wasn’t a really sound decision my mother made when she decided to take my brother and me to see it. I had nightmares about the headless rider for years.

Being a cinema-goer for 25 years I’ve pretty much seen it all. When I was watching The Mummy, at one point the reel skipped a half an hour of the movie and simply went on. Then the movie was started again. Took us three hours to see a two-hour movie. I’ve seen a movie during which my cinema-going partner fell asleep three times (Skyfall – can you blame him?).

During Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, I’ve witnessed three fellow cinema-goers whip out Tupperware filled with deep-fried chicken and assorted side-dishes. I suffered through Deuce Bigelow (secret première).

With two of my friends, I’ve managed to convince a reluctant cinema manager to play a movie just for the three of us. I went to the midnight première of Miami Vice. Alone. I sat in the first row between two love seats. That was fun.

One time, it took the cinema people half an hour to realize they were playing the wrong movie.

Once an employer made a phone call during the movie to curse and swear at some colleague telling him (or her) that the movie was too loud and that the air-conditioning sucked.

I have never spaced out during a movie. Never. Not until Dawn of Justice (or as someone renamed it – Yawn of Justice). I was staring at the screen, not seeing what was going on. I have also never taken the time to count all the ceiling lights in the hall. Which is, as I have learnt, rather tricky in the dark. Also there were air vents on the ceiling, round like the lights. It was an arduous task, especially having in mind that I did not sit in the last row so I had to crane my neck. I also never thought about Matt Damon and Jason Bourne during a superhero movie, thinking how I would love to see that fight from the first movie and whether I could watch the teaser trailer for Jason Bourne 5 for 150 minutes consecutively and if that would bore me as much as Batman v Superman. I did not test that one, but I did watch the trailer as soon as BvS finished.

There are a lot of bad reviews of BvS. Understandably so. I’m not going to repeat what has already been said. I will however tell you that if you go see this movie, there is a good possibility you will be shocked, confused, bored, unimpressed and that you’ll probably experience all that on a wholly new level.

P.S. Why THE HELL did Ben Affleck and Henry Cavill spend all that time buffing up for the movie, when they even didn’t try to use that to make the movie bearable?

How Toby Ziegler (Man of Steel) Saved the World

At first, the movie sucked. Then Russell Crowe strutted about in a really tight Kryptonian outfit. Then the movie sucked again. Then Henry Cavill took his shirt off.

We got to see his muscles straining against an oil rig.

Then, the movie sucked – again. Then Henry Cavill went about shirtless.

Superman forgiven for stealing some poor people’s clothes because they were Canadian

Then the movie sucked. Then Henry Cavill got a really tight, shiny suit that looked good on him. Then the movie sucked. Then there was a good fight scene. Then there was this cool one-liner during another fight. Then the movie decided to stick with its original plan and suck again. Then they decided that some of the basic things in the Superman mythology were not touchy-feely enough for them. Then Lois Lane said: “It has to go all the way in”.

Toby Ziegler and Chris Keller saved the world by accident, anonymous source says

Then there were some people in the Metropolis museum enjoying the exhibits while Earth was under a vicious attack centered in Metropolis. Then the authors decided they did not like their decision to make Supermen a brooding dude, and they decided to revert back to the Christopher Reeve (AKA Superman) type of character. But they never changed their mind about making the movie – S.U.C.K.

It is rumoured that Tom Welling was very pleased with the movie and with the fact he was not cast in it

Jor-El the Fistfighter

They managed to screw up Jor-El’s character pretty bad (can’t do even that properly) by making him into a hands-on brute. Jor-El was, for me, always a mythical character, all brain matter, science and philosophy. Seeing him get into a fight and getting too physical kind of ruined it for me.

Marlon Brando was reported as being “not happy”

Bad Writing Kills Superman

A sucky movie with a great cast. I had my doubts about Michael Shannon as General Zod. However, once he was given decent lines (three or four in total) he was amazing. Henry Cavill as Superman was really good – has that goody-two-shoes feel about him, despite the fact that the writers seemed to have forgotten about that little fact. Kevin Costner and Diane Lane were a good choice, although I think they could have been put to better use.

Christopher Nolan was seen “laughing maniacally” while writing the script

Big Bang Theory – Disproved

Somebody should explain to all those movie makers that the audience is incapable of getting excited by epic visual effects alone – those days are gone, people. We need you to use imagination, storytelling and character development and then, maybe, we’ll appreciate the fact that you’re capable of destroying a city bloc or two.

The plot is remarkably fragmented, and not in a good way. It looks like a collage – anachronistic fetishism simply does not work, and frankly once I said: „This isn’t Superman, this is Fisherman“ the movie was doomed in my eyes.

Conclusion 1: This movie is a part of the universe in which Vulcan has been destroyed by Eric Bana.

Conclusion 2: Christopher Nolan should be (legally) forbidden to participate in every and all superhero movies.

Conclusion 3: We do not know whether Henry Cavill was a good choice because we don’t know if he is a good Clark Kent.

Conclusion 4: When they decided to fuck up the mythology, they might have considered listening to Edna’s advice – would have helped poor Clark on an occasion or two.

Superhero Picture Post (sort of)

My blog doesn’t have enough pictures. So here are some which will, at the same time, serve as an prelude to my next post. Justice Mags are by Artgerm. Click the boys for source.

  

We have seen an amazing proliferation of movies based on comic-books. In the last two years we have had a pleasure (or displeasure) of seeing: X-Man: First Class, Thor, Captain America, Iron Man, The Amazing Spider-Man, Green Lantern, Green Hornet, Batman: The Dark Knight Rises, Thor, Cowboys & Aliens….

What awaits us in 2013/2014 period? Man of Steel, Thor: The Dark World, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Guardians of the Galaxy, Avengers 2, Ant-Man, Wolverine, Kick-Ass 2, Sin City 2, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, X-Men: Days of Future Past , Fantastic Four reboot… Need I continue?

     

What do you think, have we had enough?

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