How Toby Ziegler (Man of Steel) Saved the World

At first, the movie sucked. Then Russell Crowe strutted about in a really tight Kryptonian outfit. Then the movie sucked again. Then Henry Cavill took his shirt off.

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We got to see his muscles straining against an oil rig.

Then, the movie sucked – again. Then Henry Cavill went about shirtless.

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Superman forgiven for stealing some poor people’s clothes because they were Canadian

Then the movie sucked. Then Henry Cavill got a really tight, shiny suit that looked good on him. Then the movie sucked. Then there was a good fight scene. Then there was this cool one-liner during another fight. Then the movie decided to stick with its original plan and suck again. Then they decided that some of the basic things in the Superman mythology were not touchy-feely enough for them. Then Lois Lane said: “It has to go all the way in”.

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Toby Ziegler and Chris Keller saved the world by accident, anonymous source says

Then there were some people in the Metropolis museum enjoying the exhibits while Earth was under a vicious attack centered in Metropolis. Then the authors decided they did not like their decision to make Supermen a brooding dude, and they decided to revert back to the Christopher Reeve (AKA Superman) type of character. But they never changed their mind about making the movie – S.U.C.K.

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It is rumoured that Tom Welling was very pleased with the movie and with the fact he was not cast in it

Jor-El the Fistfighter

They managed to screw up Jor-El’s character pretty bad (can’t do even that properly) by making him into a hands-on brute. Jor-El was, for me, always a mythical character, all brain matter, science and philosophy. Seeing him get into a fight and getting too physical kind of ruined it for me.

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Marlon Brando was reported as being “not happy”

Bad Writing Kills Superman

A sucky movie with a great cast. I had my doubts about Michael Shannon as General Zod. However, once he was given decent lines (three or four in total) he was amazing. Henry Cavill as Superman was really good – has that goody-two-shoes feel about him, despite the fact that the writers seemed to have forgotten about that little fact. Kevin Costner and Diane Lane were a good choice, although I think they could have been put to better use.

Christopher Nolan was seen "laughing maniacally" while writing the script
Christopher Nolan was seen “laughing maniacally” while writing the script

Big Bang Theory – Disproved

Somebody should explain to all those movie makers that the audience is incapable of getting excited by epic visual effects alone – those days are gone, people. We need you to use imagination, storytelling and character development and then, maybe, we’ll appreciate the fact that you’re capable of destroying a city bloc or two.

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The plot is remarkably fragmented, and not in a good way. It looks like a collage – anachronistic fetishism simply does not work, and frankly once I said: „This isn’t Superman, this is Fisherman“ the movie was doomed in my eyes.

Conclusion 1: This movie is a part of the universe in which Vulcan has been destroyed by Eric Bana.

Conclusion 2: Christopher Nolan should be (legally) forbidden to participate in every and all superhero movies.

Conclusion 3: We do not know whether Henry Cavill was a good choice because we don’t know if he is a good Clark Kent.

Conclusion 4: When they decided to fuck up the mythology, they might have considered listening to Edna’s advice – would have helped poor Clark on an occasion or two.

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