Possibly the stupidest movie I’ve ever seen.
Do you remember that moment when your saw a brontosaurus for the first time? Do you remember the music which, combined with the imagery, made you gasp with amazement and wonder? I think that was an important moment in movie history. Unlike Jurassic World, a 124 minutes long moment which should be deleted from the movie history.
I learnt about the double helix from Jurassic Park. Thanks to Jurassic Park I was always capable to tell which four bases make out the DNA. Jurassic Park taught me all about the dangers of messing with nature and meddling with genes. Jurassic Park made mathematicians look cool. And it was fun.
Before I embark upon the part of the review which is not spoiler free, I must warn you that if you are thinking about watching this movie, you really really shouldn’t.
Jurassic World is stupid. Let’s make a list with spoilers.
THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS NOTHING BUT SPOILERS
- There are people in this world who think that using dinosaurs in warfare is a legitimate idea. Because, you know. Dinosaurs. Warfare. Don’t you fucking see it? If you don’t you’re a loser.
- Kid cannot pass driving test. Fixes a car which has not been driven in over 20 years.
- A girl in a dress visits a T-Rex’s habitat. She opens it. And she runs. In high heels. And Mr T is running after her. And, nope. He does not catch her.
- A man controls dinosaurs.
- Dinosaurs take orders from a man.
- Man tells dinosaurs not to attack another dinosaur because everybody loves T-Rex.
- Remember this? Well they use it in scenes where dinosaurs mutilate each other.
- The most dangerous predator from the Jurassic era? A fish (surf and turf fish!). How ’bout that for a wow factor!
- Mom and dad are getting divorced. It’s horrible, this. Also, this is the only three and a half minutes which can connect Jurassic World with “family movie”. Also, they forget about this.
- They made a genetically modified dinosaur which has more camouflage skills than the Predator. It uses them twice during the whole movie.
- Nobody charges their smartphone battery. Smartphones work nonetheless. Random moments of bad reception are random.
- You have a bazooka and a BB gun. Your goal is to kill a giant, monstrous, intelligent dinosaur. First you shoot from a BB gun to scare it. And then you fire a bazooka. Once. And miss. YOU DIE.
- Chris Pratt rides a Harley (I think) while leading a pack of velociraptors in the hunt after the Indominus Rex.
- There are four velociraptors in the movie. I think approximately ten of them die. Or one of them dies ten times. Or two of them die five times. You get the gist.